Their lips were moving: Oil company CEOs testified before Congress last week. “Trying not to giggle was the hardest part,” said one oil billionaire. “When Bob said that he didn’t think we were gouging the public, I about split a gut.” But it doesn’t seem like the oil execs fooled everyone. “I am really annoyed at them old oil boys,” said one anonymous Texas congressman. “I’m thinking very seriously of lowering the amount of their tax break next year.” Overheard in the Oval Office: Bush: “We do not torture.” Cheney: “Not so fast.” VP asks for torture exemption: Vice President Dick Cheney has been pressing Congress to exempt the CIA from strict “no torture” restrictions. “America does not torture nor believes that other countries should torture,” said one of the fun-loving VP’s aides, “but we shouldn’t be kept from doing it when we do.” Not yet learning from his mistakes: Soon to be ex-Philadelphia Eagles All-Pro wide receiver Terrell Owens felt he hadn’t yet acted like a complete ass by disparaging quarterback Donovan McNabb (the team’s most popular player) and ripping into Andy Reid (the most successful coach in Philadelphia sports history). So he decided to try and finish the job by getting into a fistfight with team favorite Hugh Douglas. Next up for Terrell: Kicking the bejeezus out of Dakota Fanning. Dodgers looking for good GM and manager: Couldn’t I have written that every day for the last 10 years? Ooh la la riots: With what’s tantamount to a Frenchman-vs.-Frenchman war, France has been thrown into complete chaos by the country’s infighting. “It’s not our differences that are prolonging the hostilities,” said one cowering French official, citing the rich wartime history of France, “it’s the battle over which side should surrender first.” Special election repercussions: Not one to let an overwhelming defeat sway him from his goal of turning California around, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger immediately announced plans for the next special election. “The voters of California elected me to change the status quo,” said the formerly popular actor but now unpopular governor, “and I will now go directly to those same voters and ask them to take away the roadblock to a better California … me. This can’t wait until the next election. There’s too much that has to be undone, and I will not be able to undo until I am no longer in control.” Another reason for another election: “I still had money left,” said one miffed campaign donor. “I’m calling on the governor to demand another special election so I can spend it.” Defending Saddam not especially healthy job: Insurgents seem to be taking Shakespeare a bit too seriously as a second Hussein defense lawyer was killed. “I think I left the refrigerator running,” said Sandy Eyem Outahere, another attorney on the Saddam team as he scurried out of the courtroom. So interesting when the attorneys get the death sentence before the client. Um, didn’t the horse already leave the barn?: With the indictment of “Scooter” Libby, assistant to Vice President Cheney, which followed a number of other questionable actions by some in the administration, the White House staff was made to take an ethics refresher course last week. The briefings apparently center on how to deal with classified documents. Subjects to be covered will include: Don’t lie, but if you must, don’t tell a reporter who will give you up. Down at the Kansas cee-ment pond: The Kansas State Board of Education voted 6 to 4 in favor of a proposal to teach Intelligent Design along with evolution as a scientific explanation of how life began. Those who voted in the minority vehemently opposed the decision. “What better proof that we derived from monkeys than to consider this vote,” shrugged one apelike board member. Next up for Kansas: the teaching of storks bringing babies alongside so-called doctorin’. Tom Cruise fires sister: In what the handsome, but unbalanced actor felt was an inability to show him as completely and utterly crazy, Cruise replaced his sister, Lee Anne DeVette, as his publicist. “With the behavior I provided her, she should have at least been able to get me committed,” said Cruise. “But look. I’m walking around free with no protection for the public. That’s just plain nuts. But you try and tell that to my sister.” The word “hypocrisy” to sue Congress for overuse: The same Republicans in Congress who impeached former president Bill Clinton when he perjured himself, then cried foul when “Scooter” Libby was indicted for lying to a grand jury about leaking classified information, are now demanding an inquiry into who leaked classified intelligence pertaining to secret CIA prisons. Lawyers from the firm of Hypocrisy, Duplicity and Sham said they will immediately ask for an injunction. “Legislators don’t seem to care who or what they use to get their way,” said attorney Arnold Sham. “These words are exhausted.” Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” and can be heard on Los Angeles’ KTLK AM 1150, Saturdays 1-4 p.m. AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MOREWalnut’s Malik Khouzam voted Southern California Boys Athlete of the Week160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!
admin December 25, 2019 qiiqxolg